My past is coming back to haunt me...

This statement is true for all of us. When (not if) we don't effectively deal with feelings from our past, there will be triggers in our present that will activate them. Since the brain doesn't deal with time or space, and experiences all situations as though they are presently occurring, our past really DOES equal our present. This is why active visualizations, with the most sensory input we can put into them, does convince our brains that these are real, and doesn't differentiate from other real life experiences. For example, most of us have heard about how certain sports teams are led as a team through very detailed visualizations by their team coaches and psychologists, in the effort to improve their skills, their team-work and their game outcomes. In contrast to teams that ONLY work on the field to improve those same skills, they have proven to be ahead of the pack, because they are getting the benefits of both.

Experiences from our past that are recalled in detail with lots of emotion attached to them, have the power to shape and color our present in much the same way. The brain retains those experiences in files, labeled in various ways. The brain can pull up those memories by being triggered by a similar emotion, a similar situation, the same people or people that are categorized as 'similar,' or even by dreams.

I have been teaching these principles in my classes over the years, and been aware in my own life about how they have applied. However, this last weekend, I was watching the "Tapping Solution" video that shares a 4-day seminar where 10 people are working through their chronic challenges (physical pain, emotional pain, weight, and others) to see if 'tapping' can help move them beyond the places where they have remained stuck. I have used a different approach to tapping for several years now, being a trained diagnostician in Thought Field Therapy (TFT) discovered by Dr. Roger Callahan.  TFT is the father of 'tapping' in all its manifestations. It has evolved over the years and is being enhanced by each person's experiences with it, and in almost everyone's experience with it, it has had an impact.

In the course of the time the 'test' individuals are at the retreat, they meet in groups and individually with coaches who help them move through their pain or frustration through narratives about their problems, identifications of beliefs, and desires to make changes. In the group situations, all participants are requested to 'tap' along with the person who is being guided and helped. This is because there are many similarities among humans...we all feel pain, anxiety, loss, fear, worry, guilt, resentment, anger, and on and on. Although the circumstances that make us feel these emotions may differ, the feelings themselves are part of the human condition. So, by listening to the individuals doing the work, our own similar feelings are often triggered, and by tapping we can help lessen the 'charge' or 'level of distress' on those feelings.

Well, as I am watching this video, I too am being triggered by one woman specifically who has chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia syndromes. She has experienced chronic muscle pain, insomnia, and fatigue for years. Her particular areas of pain/dysfunction are different from mine (her's are her knees and wrists, mine is my back and digestive organs), her underlying beliefs about herself are similar. One of her first statements (with guidance by her coach) is that she feels like she has to be perfect. WOW, did that resonate with me. As she continued to explore where those feelings came from, how they have manifested in her life, what problems that belief system has caused, etc. I became more and more agitated. Because we don't see (in the video) the entire course of her exploration due to time constraints, we don't see the full changes that take place during each phase of her healing. We do see later in video, that her knees and wrists are much stronger, have little or no pain, she is sleeping soundly through the night because her pain is so much better, and she is feels free to just do the best she can.

Well, this stayed with me the entire day. I was lucky enough to have some time to myself last weekend, and took advantage of it. I decided to work on my own belief in needing to be perfect, while tapping, and see where it took me. I was amazed at all the memories, situations and feelings that came up. The more I tapped, the deeper the experience took me. I began to identify so many links that I have put into place in my life based upon that need to have all the answers, to have to solve all my own challenges, to be uncomfortable asking for help. The profession I am in requires me to have answers for others, and I am quite comfortable with that role. However, I believe that because I am able to do that for others, I should therefore have all the answers for myself. I should also be able to avoid the situations that require help, because I should have seen them coming. I should have had healthier relationships in my life, or at least have overcome any problems they created. Therefore, I should have been more capable of protecting my kids from emotional challenges, or at least been able to fix all of them. I should never have allowed myself to be date-raped in college, which led to much pain and loss. I should have not permitted myself to be 'fixed up' into a marriage where I was never really happy, but rather doing my duty to alleviate my family's pain and shame.

These thoughts identify the traps that I have set for myself along my path, which have really created a lot of stress and other emotional traps that I hadn't even acknowledged. Lots of grief for NOT being perfect. Lots of 'not being worthy' because I am not perfect. Perfect have no need to keep secrets, but I watched my mom keep secrets up until the day she died. I watched her carry guilt for things she had no control over, but SHOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO FIX OR AVOID. Perfect people attract all the right relationships, have enough of what they need and want, know the answers for all situations they engage in. What a terrible burden to believe we have to be perfect.

I tapped for hours after watching that video. I became consciously aware of so many experiences in my life where this 'perfectionism' really kept me trapped. I believe the church also played a role as I interpreted the expectations of Mormonism...which are to become perfect as our Father in Heaven is perfect. Presumably he was human as we are, and perfected himself to the god-state, and we are expected to follow suit. It was a unrealistic expectation that I placed on myself. Families all have challenges, but  I accepted the premise that if we are 'perfect' enough, then those challenges should fall by the wayside and we will be blessed abundantly. Since I could never get that perfect, I found that I could no longer live with the guilt of not being good enough to have all the rewards we were promised, and I had to leave the church.

I am committed to finding and shining light on my other beliefs that are contributing to problems I am having as I get older. I am having lots of back pain that is from a slipped rib that WILL NOT remain back in place with corrections. I am having lots of pain in my feet and legs, really difficult to walk bare-footed because the floor is too hard. I am having lots of hormone challenges, and blood pressure issues. My digestive system seems to be never happy. I believe that by working with the feelings that are coming up more readily for me now, since I opened the floodgate the other day, that I will be able to impact the level of distress these conditions are causing for me and significantly reduce the aggravation they are in my life.

As I explore other issues, I hope to have the time to document what I am doing. Tapping is an amazing tool, and I have not used it to its full capacity in my own life. This is something I wish to change. I want to take time to heal me, so I am a better support system for my clients and family and so that I am congruent in my life. I think that walking your talk is so important, and that in order to heal this planet, we must act according to our beliefs. The incongruency in our lives is probably a major factor in chronic disease, depression, and dysfunction.